• Notes

  • All gelatinous cube facts found on Gelatinous Cube Facts are likely false, probably untrue, and, we've heard on good authority, less than factual. In truth, gelatinous cubes don't really exist, so none of these facts are facts. Just our poor attempt at humor, satire, and parody. So, there's that.

Gelatinous Cube Facts

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  1. Fact:

    In the news today, former President Gerald Ford was mauled by a gelatinous cube.

  2. Fact:

    Gelatinous cubes communicate like whales. The last seconds before the flesh is ripped from your skull are actually very soothing.

  3. Fact:

    Fort Knox is actually filled with gelatinous cubes.

  4. Fact:

    Gelatinous cubes had nothing to do with the Pittsburgh Pirates 1979 championship run.

  5. Conjecture:

    In a footrace between a sloth and a gelatinous cube, take the sloth.

  6. Fact

    The Darkness' song "Love on the Rocks," was written about a gelatinous cube.

  7. Fact:

    Spinal Tap's 4th drummer was murdered by a gelatinous cube.

  8. Related Conjecture:

    Def Leopard's drummer ... another gelatinous cube victim?

  9. Fact:

    Gelatinous cubes make terrible pets.

  10. Fact:

    Gelatinous cubes are immune to the guillotine.

  11. Fact:

    Gelatinous cubes were first summoned to take care of the widespread problem of gnome defecation in underground cities.

  12. Fact:

    Unlike lycanthropes, vampires, and liches, gelatinous cubes wait until after the unsuspecting teenagers have intercourse before murdering them.

  13. Conjecture:

    In a fight between a gelatinous cube and Commander Adama I would put my money on the cube. Lorne Greene could handle a horse well, but I don't think that provides any advantage on a starship.

  14. Fact:

    Just because you see a rosary inside a gelatinous cube doesn't mean it's pious.

  15. Fact:

    Kryptonite is actually hardened gelatinous cube feces.

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